长大后， 才发现平淡才是最大的财富

只要家人安康，我什么都不奢求。

安全感

妹妹有一天对我说了安全感这三字， 它们就一直徘徊在我脑海里。

我其实很渴望被人保护。

渴望被保护的心，我却选择了一份要给病人们安全感的工作。
长大后的我，也必须给予安全感给家人了。

其实，真的很像感谢爸爸妈妈这么疼爱和保护从小到大都很容易受挫败和爱哭的我。他们在我的成长生涯里，都一直默默地保护我， 给予我无比的安全感。

如今长大了，离家都有八年了，内心却还没独立过，一直寻寻觅觅那一份安全感。。。

2014开始

2013年，最值得一提的是我上大学了，澳洲悉尼大学护理系。可是这个半工读大学课上得很没斗志，却是跟睡眠，年假，工作精神，太过formal 的鸡肠的斗争。一向很为课业冲刺的我，第二学期，失去斗志，因为第一学期的挣扎把我给吓呆了。我不再要求好成绩，第一次，跟自己说，我只要及格就好了。还好，都及格了，不用再花几千块补考。

2013年，忘了某一天，但还记得最后一次因为工作被一班只会冷嘲热讽的人欺负而哭，即便病人在手中，泪水还是不停不停地直流，最后连饭都没吃，跑去别的病房看我的朋友。没看她之前，我擦干泪水，看到她，我告诉自己，活着就是要坚强，因为生病的她正努力地过好每一天； 好好的我为什么就为了这点人家点起的皮毛而难过呢？ 那一天放学后，洋人老师说的课正好是：“toxic behaviour in workplace", 于是，我又哭了，老师的课讲多久，我就哭多久。我明白了，这是一个恶性循环，但可以被制止的。在工作上，我被欺负，便儒弱，儒弱，工作效率不好，再被欺负，被欺负的，想报仇，就欺负别人。。。。。。不停不停的。之后，我的内心强大很多了，表面上很少反抗，但内心会说对方两句不是，起码没有沦落到以前哭着去上班，哭着回家的悲惨工作日。

虽然大学一点都不好玩，但，它却教会我另类思考。

加护病房里，学校与医院师长教会我帮病人护理，我得履行医属，我得抽痰，翻身，擦身，急求，观察，报告不正常指数，面对家人，面对医生，面对护理同僚。。。。。。但，教会我用心地去面对每一个被遗落的孤病者，每一个不幸逝世的患者与他们的家人，每一个病患的痛苦与无奈和他们的家人们，每一个病患的奋斗故事，却是受了心灵与体伤的病人与他们的家人。

这是我2013年收到一份很珍贵的卡，鼓舞我继续努力地走这条我认为比较崎岖的护理之路。

 2013 年， 续哥哥来新工作后，妹妹也来新，步我的后尘，在南洋理工学院，修读pharmaceutical science文凭，走这条路意味着她将会走大概七年的路才能真正完成大学教育。漫长啊。。。到时，她姐我已经是三十岁了。

很多时候，我是妹妹， 妹妹是姐姐。

2013年，年尾，我开始把自己给培养活跃起来，也有跟朋友们兜兜转转。说真的，很感激有这班死党们，让我感觉在新加坡不完全只有工作，工作是无地自容，生活上我还有一班支持我的朋友们，我很欣慰。。。有认识很久很久的，也有刚认识的，这就是缘。

2013年，我就只回家两次，一次是新年，第二次是六月短短的两天，其余的年假都崩溃地用在学业上。。。爸妈吵架了，尤其是我妈，那份不懂怎么形容她的倔强，我是她的败将。全家只有我那个会煽风点火的哥哥制得了她。我想他们了。。。

父母，这一个永远的称职已把他们的青春奉献于他们的儿女身上了。

该如何形容2013呢？ 充实？不见得。总结来说，我没好好地如2013年年头许下的愿说要好好地过每一分每一秒，更多时候，蹉跎了光阴，又老一年的无奈岁月就这样侵蚀我的青春。我只要，只想要努力地生活每一刻。回不到过去，也不望回头了。我向往的是从我的本命年开始，我必须好好的，好好的培养自己成为一个努力的人。

Happy Chinese New Year

Binge eating problem strikes me back!!!

Get scolded in clinical. Feel embarrassed and disappointed!

One month to go, still feel lost!

Getting fatter and lazier. Limitless sleeping yet still feel exhausted.

Miss home and friends a lotzzzz!

And, today is Chinese New Year, seems nothing to me.

Being abroad, going to celebrate with my patients later.

Anyway, i think all these moody thingy will happen once in a month.

Guess what:

It is my freaking"Premenstrual Syndrome!", Arghh.

No, i should be positive because today is CNY!!!! New start for Chinese. Proud to be Chinese indeed. Okay, henceforth, positive mind please come back!

Happy Chinese New Year!! to all Chinese in all around the world, and specially dedicated to floaters living abroad who are far away from their beloved family...

家乡

在家宅了三个星期，朋友今天约我出门聊天。

久未见面，但仍然能畅谈如古。

庆幸有这份难得的友谊，因为现在在新的我，朋友屈指能数。

谢谢你们：）

明天就要回去了。我很不舍得爸爸妈妈。

真的很不舍得，家里的每一个角落。

回去后，就是挨苦，广东话叫：'mou dam hao sek'，

我啊，很想很想不要走。。。。。

真的很不舍啊！

My Father

I am heartless, i forgot today, no, i was not even alert that today is Father's day until my 老同学msg me, ask me to send a note to my father to wish him Happy Father's Day~

Then, i immediately called back home to say so to my ah ba, 含蓄地讲了一句:"阿爸，father's day 快乐”, he was busy with something, a 3 mins plus conversation between ah ma and a little bit of ah ba ended then.

Actually i am struck with sadness now, because i miss them a lot....

My father, A man with my mother who created me 20 years ago.

In fact, i discover that i inherit a lot from my father:

physically: the shape of my father's face, my father's lower eye balls --the black iris which are uncovered by the eyelid & my father's nose(the three most significant one and i am the only child who has them) and my father's dimples.

inner characteristics: not so keen for outgoing, like to stay at home, a person who misses home when he is far away from home, a person who loves his parents a lot a lot a lot. My father is 慢热, but if he is activated to do something, he will put his best effort to do that, oh, this one i am just his duplicate version.

My mother claims that my father loves three of us more than her, but he loves and cares me the most.

In my memory, i was beat and scolded by my mother like hell since i was just a little kid, a lot of hitting and painful memory with my mum actually, i couldn't forget the painful beating and scolding from her whereby her teaching method was more on scolding and hitting (i would like to describe the way my mother hit me and my brother in detail, then u will find my mother was quite scary when she was young: pinch and twist the face and ears 360 degrees until bruising, slapping to the face, caning (with cane for most of the time, hanger, belt, hose) unstoppable to all over the body until she satisfied, the canning was just a terrible one, depends on our luck, sometimes will end up with bleeding and quite deep wounds, shock us with electrical mosquito-killer racket and those were the ways she shaped me and my brother (not for my sister) besides ensuring us to have a proper education (my mother was the one who make sure the three of us are educated, so that we will not be in the footsteps of hers.She was violent but she is still a good mother, honestly speaking without her, we r just useless. She changed as she grows older).

But my painful memory with my father was just one。

this occurred when i was four, he used a belt to beat me gently because he was angry with me for one incident but i strongly denied that i was wrong. Most of the time, My father was the one who protected me when i was hit by my "violent mother" if he was there, but my mother will hit me more when my father was there. The most significant one was when i was three, my mother was mad with my father or me? This one i couldn't remember, she just threw a kettle from a far distance towards me, i remembered my father immediately carried me away, but i still get injured from the flying kettle.

Just one and not that even painful hitting experience compared to my mother's uncountable one, haha. Whenever my father scolded me, herm, i would throw tantrum and force him to apologise to me, and he will say so with a laugh: "ok la ok la, sorry sorry."

I was very intimate with my father when i was a child, i guess my brother and my sister were not that close with him as from what i observed.

When i was a child i liked to sleep on the couch in the living room when i found myself insomnia in the bedroom and then my father will carry me to the bedroom when he was going to sleep. I liked to lie on his lap to watch drama in the night after he had showered then he would gently stroked my head. I liked to watch my father silently when he was filing his working bills, he would typically asked:"做什么啊，阿妹 ”. I still remember vividly i would cry my lung out and insisted to follow my father, if my father was going to work when i was 2 to 3 years old that time.

He will cover us with blanket everyday to ensure that we will not get cold, even till nowadays my father still do that to every members of my family, but my mother and my sister are reluctant to this action of my father and will scold him in the mid of the sleep because they feel hot, but i found it very heart-warming although sometimes i did grumble a bit. But now.......nobody do it for me now.

A father will sacrifice for his child.

I think i was problematic when i was a child, i sustained 2 times dislocated hip, one time dislocated arm, one time sprained ankle, .....(uncountable), My father was the one who brought me to see the 铁打, carried me up and down, one of the scene was he carried me to school when i was in Primary One to have my exams in the teacher's office. The other impressive one, he drove and searched all over the IPOH town to look for clinic to treat my skin disorder and told me:" 以后找不到路，要问人，知道吗？路是从口出来的。”， i was five at that time. He accompanied me when i was having my small surgery with local anesthesia, i was frightened frantically, struggled and struggled but my father was there to accompany and assure me while pressing my head with a sterile drape to calm me down. And there was one time, he rode a bicycle and fetched me to seek treatment in the night when i was having fever, haha, i was sitting on the baby couch that fixed on the back of the bicycle and holding a big torchlight as instructed by my father. N years ago, i am good in reflecting the past~~~

My father, is a construction worker.

My father earns a living with his labour. I observed and seen how is the nature of my father's occupation, under the hot sun and the dangerous working hazard, i am deeply heart aching when i think of my father has to go through all these. He is difficult for his whole life, since young he was the only child who had to work, by helping out in my grandfather's stall in the pasar because he was the eldest son. After he has the 3 of us, he suffers the difficulty for bringing the three of us up and to sustain our living, i ever wonder if my parents' life are without us, maybe they need not to go through a hard life. He just suffers all these by himself, never even complaint in front of his kids. He used to say something like: " I feel like punching that guy, but then i can't because i have a family." because he is responsible to his family.

Seeing them, it triggers me to think of my father.

Singapore has imported a lot of foreign construction workers, whenever i see them, i will salute to them silently in my heart: thanks for your effort, u all are unsung heroes like my father. sometimes, I will cry in my heart silently when i see their fatigue and sorrow when they are lying on the cement floor for a short rest. They just trigger me to think of my father.... i can see their loneliness in their eyes. Because of my father, my conscience alert me not to complaint on those noise from the construction work, because they do suffer from that, i understand what have been going through by them, because my father does have a minor problem on hearing. Sometimes, i even feel sad desperately why there is such an imbalance in the society although i know the answer.

My father is one of the strength to me.

Although my father is a construction worker, but he is a literate construction worker. He had his education until 高中三 from the independent school. haha, he was a Sejarah textbook to me when i had doubt with the China history.

U know what, when i was 12, it was a sudden that i father told me not to be scared if i saw any blood oozing out from the private part, he took over my mother's job to educate me on the menarche and menstruation. Wow, i bet not many father will be brave to do so, but my father did.

Whenever i pour out to him what has happened recently and he will he say something to me with some insertion of 成语，格言，社会动态 as an example to elaborate what he wants to say. Sometimes, it seems "long", however I will make sure i listen to them and bear them in mind.

I am that type of person that will cry easily, my father will always say the same sentence: “又哭了，为什么那么爱哭的？”

But now, he will add in one: "阿妹， 要坚强啊，自己一个人在外面生活就要学会坚强了。”

This year, in January, i was having an infection in my Eustachian tube and suffered pain and discomfort, my father who was thrifty, purposely bought a webcam and not hesitated to ask my sister to online every night to chat with me everyday for one hour plus for a week just to console me not to be afraid with the pain and tinnitus.

He will never remember when are our birthday, but he is a father that cares us from his heart.

Every year, for my birthday, i will happily ask my father whether he remembers what day is today, most of the time he will answer wrongly and he will guess until he get the right answer. He doesn't remember when are our birthdays, he confessed that he hardly remembers all these, but with this confession:"i do not remember the date, but from the day u all are born, i am here to make sure you all are well-fed, grown up healthily." i found that i have a father that loves the three of us, 虽粗劣却是无私的爱。

Besides crying, i also like to think a lot of nonsense thing. i ever wonder why a father will love his kids so much but he is not the one who suffers all the pain in labour, i can understand the motherly love and why a mother will love her kids so much but not the father's part. My father answered me:" 这是很自然的，那个是你的孩子来的嘛。”

*******************************************************

My father ever said this to me:"你这个离开，就是永远离开家里，长大了。” when i was leaving hometown to pursue study in Singapore. I was saddened by that statement, it was just like nobody is there to protect me anymore.

But to me, although i have grown up to be an adult soon, i am still a kid to my parents.

To my mother, my father is not a good husband, but to me he is a good father.

I bet no man in this world will love me more than that, the only one is my My FATHER.

p/s: next time, should talk about ah ma, before i would have forgotten 点点滴滴, 文字记载 is the best to jot down the life that i had with them before.

依然牵挂

“开coke给阿源喝。。。。。。”，
不知为何，它引起了心愁里那一阵阵的心酸，
布满了那喧闹的清明气氛。

离开家乡到新求学隔了两年，
再一次看到阿源，
他已化成骨灰，安息了。

大姨的眼泪缓缓地流下来，
只想告诉你，自从你离开后，
挚爱你的家人从来没忘了你，
包括我这位表姐。

每每想起你，心里没有一刻是安定的，
对不起，在你生命的最后一刻，没能替你一起分担痛苦。

大家都很想念你。

坚强

有一天中午爸爸打电话还给我，问我耳朵的情况，在尾声时叫我要坚强一点。

听到这句我真的很难过。

这几天压力真的飙升到极点：四份projects, 耳朵的痛楚再拼命挣扎地决定要不要看那贵得要命的专科, 下两个星期的精神病院实习，下个月的年终考试，还有nursing manager 的那通电话问我要不要去外国医院一个月实习但还是要看这个学期的成绩。。。。。。

有几次真的是崩溃了。

但，爸爸妈妈却不断地给鼓励我，每天晚上都上网和我聊天，安慰我。

人家不是说孩子来到这世上不是拿父母的债，就是还父母的债。

我觉得我是来拿债多过还债，因为我的脆弱，时常都让他们担心我。

谢谢你们这么疼我，对我付出无私的爱。

对不起爸爸妈妈，让你们担心了。

“学习着坚强的当儿，正提醒着我，

我已离开了家，永远踏出家里的门阑，

能够让我坐时光机回去吗？

我要回到过去与父母一块儿生活。”

距离带来的遗憾。

最近我都很想念妹妹，以前不懂得珍惜，现在的补救会不会太迟了？

这就是距离带来的遗憾。

原谅姐姐现在才懂得怎么去爱你。

Missing them....

These two weeks for bioscience, Dr Ponraj is teaching us topic related to aging.

Today he said something that make me recall & recall & recall.

Dr P: "Do not dump your parents to Old Folks Home, people down there cannot help much to take care of the elderly well, because you yourself also find it is very difficult only to take care of your parents."

He showed us a youtube video clip related to dementia. A painful clip.

All in all, what i learn from those few lesson is: AGING IS STRIKING

I definitely will not abandon my parents, so do my parents do not abondon their parents.

Our ah ba & ah ma sacrify a lot to bring us up. They deserve to have their children to be filial with them!!!

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Last two days, in fact every Saturday i call my ah ma, Sunday i call my ah ba, chat with them. Despite this, i still miss them a lot......

Here they are, my family. My father, my mother and my sister in Malaysia.

My ah ba, ah bi and ah ma

Ah ba & i in front of Batu Gajah Train Station

My lovely ah ma

My younger sister, ah bi (of course i will miss u. if u c this, ah jie apologise to u for being so fierce to u all the time)

&&&&my eldest brother, he & i, emmmm, if have chance, i will show him.

突然很想以前

朋友，今天看回咱们中学时代的照片，心里头涌了一股很想很想你们的滋味，万般不好尝。在这里，再也找不到那一种傻傻的青春了。我们彼此只不过分开了连一年都不到的时间。。。我不会忘了你们的，因为一生朋友一起走。美仪，汶镁，诗薇，美婷，健玉，雪慧, pei yen，凯婷，晓倩。。。。。。。。还有很多很多。。。。。。。今天脑海里出现了你们，希望晚上的时候，咱们的故事会继续发生。。。。延续着结束了的上集。。。

很害怕有一天见不了我的至亲，那天的梦我没能忘掉。。。。。。

爸爸妈妈，

我好想你们。

某一晚，我梦见已不在人世的我，

化成灵魂，

出现在你们的面前，

无论我怎样呼叫你们，你们都没有理睬我。

我很难过，不停地告诉自己这不是真的。。。

直到清醒后，才庆幸这是一场梦，

虚惊一场！

恢复？

阿源去世已有一个星期了。我已能够坦然地面对一个人真真的消失在世间的事实。没了就是没了。记得某一天，我还是很不能接受表弟离去的事实，我给哥哥打电话因为 我不想以后再面对类似的情况都是那么的执着， 我还是不知怎样去接受这一个已过去的但发生得太突然的消息。 哥哥叫我难过是可以但别难过太久，因为过去就是过去了，再多的泪水再也挽不回断了的呼吸。他说以后咱们有什么三长两短， 他也会选择。。。。。（我不想说他说过什么。。。）但后来，跟哥哥谈过天后，舒服多了，明白到，一出生就是慢慢步入失望了，谁也逃不了。。。。那一天最不渴望的来临。
我还记得一位代课老师教我们的那一堂课：care after death. 当时多半都是老师在讲。他说过：“Nothing much can be done to the patient who has died, as nurses, what we can do is on the patient’s family and relative, a simple action like passing the tissue to them, stand by their side, is enough………….. 有一幕，我还很清楚地记得，老师在讲述他父亲去世时候，那一种纸和笔永远无法形容的痛苦。所以现在，我最担心的莫过于大姨一家人的心理。希望时间会冲淡一切的不愉快。。。。
但，因为有这种“理所当然”的想法，我时常都会想那些不该想的东西。

走了

2008年7月14号，我表弟死了。他去了很远远的地方，永远都不会再回来了， 我永远永远都不能在看到他的脸了，永远永远都不能听到他的声音了。为什么为什么为什么？他才十六岁而已！十六岁的生命就这样结束了。他很乖，平时都有帮家里干活。想要的事情都会尽力去做。太突然了！我不能接受这一个事实。为什么偏偏就是他？

阿源，如果你是听到的话，记住你的下一世，一定要好好地过。你在这一世的缘分虽然断了，但我们永远永远都不会忘了你。

安息吧。。。。。。

生命

每一次上课，当老师讲起有关疾病与死亡的事件时，班上会莫名其妙地安静下来。每一次坐在轻快铁时，我都会看到不同的情景，我尤其注意来来往往的人们， 望着他们的呼吸，谈笑，严肃。。。。。有时袭进我脑袋的却是老师在课堂上讲的故事，我好害怕。。。

可以说话，可以走路，可以想做自己想干的事，可以安然无恙的睡觉，可以拥有呼吸，是多么幸福的一件事。

2008年7月11日傍晚，我接到了一件令我很难过很难过的消息，妈妈在电话中告诉我家里发生了一件很不幸的事，我表弟出了严重的车祸，医生说还有六个小时就。。。。。。 严重的程度让听的人都感觉到辛酸。 我们摔了一个轻跤都会叫苦连天了，何况他只是一个十六岁的孩子，就得面对如此的痛楚。我当时哭了， 妈妈也哭了，我问妈妈大姨一家人还好吗？妈妈说，她身为外甥的阿姨，看到了满身是伤的孩子都难过得不得了了，更何况当事人的父母亲，皮肉之痛，受之父母。第一次，我深深地体验到家里人出事的那一种感觉，不知所措。

那一晚，我不断地祈求大慈大悲的观世音菩萨，保佑我表弟可以安全地渡过那一个艰难的时刻。想起了我跟我这唯一的表弟曾经在一起的时刻，只可惜没太多回忆。心里就那么地祈求他自己也有有很强很强的意志力， 帮助自己。我相信奇迹。那晚，也让我想起了我还未来到这片陌生的土地前，有一天我跟家人闹得很凶， 闹得甚至扬言我要自杀，哥哥对我说了一句到现在还深深烙在我心底的话：医院里有很多病人都挣扎得很辛苦，为的只是要活下来，你却为了这点事儿想结束那得来不易的生命。妈妈哭了，她说她养到十八年的女儿，就这么轻易结束自己的生命，叫当妈妈的她以后怎样面对那一辈子的痛楚? 当时的我愣了下来，顿时觉得自己很无知。。。。。。

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今天我再往家里给打电话，听闻表弟能够过得了昨晚的危险期。。。。。。大家还是正为他担心着。真的真的很希望他能够早日醒过来，尽快康复。

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我有很多次都想写点东西放上部落格，但却没有一次能够实行这一个行动，这一次我终于写了一些东西，只想对看了的人说：好好活着，你真的不知道下一秒所发生的事，因为：

生命是脆弱的。。。。。。